Luckily, with a little understanding and self-restraint, parents can put a lid on talking back. Firstly, try to find out WHY the child is behaving in this way. The child could be hungry, tired, frustrated, a victim of bullying or copying older siblings. Keep in mind that when kids talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively. Below are some strategies that could help to clean up your preschooler’s act!

Avoid yelling, talking back or getting angry yourself 

If you do this then you are reinforcing the behavior. Your child is angry, frustrated, or upset about something. Try to find out what is the root cause of the problem. Do not make it a bigger problem. 

Communicate with them

When your preschooler backchats you, let them know that you care about their feelings, even if you do not approve of the way they are expressing them. Acknowledging your child’s emotions can often diffuse the situation and stop it from becoming a big scene. If you can get past the attitude, you may be able to sort out what is going on and come up with some solutions.

Let them know how it makes you feel

When your child has calmed down, let them know how their behavior makes you feel. For example, if your child shouts - “I hate you”, you could explain that you love them very much and hearing those words hurt your feelings. You do not need to make a big deal out of it but it is important to let children know their words and behavior can affect others.

Share the problem-solving process

Ensure your child understands that there are choices they can make about their behavior. If they are unable to listen because they are so angry or upset or defiant, then try talking about it later as a family. Role-play some scenarios. As a family talk about what could happen next

Children learn bad words before they learn the meaning of them

As hard as it is, try not to react to your young child swearing. Some children may delight in saying the word just to get a reaction out of adult Preschoolers may innocently repeat something they have heard or be unsure of it’s meaning. If it is a one off incident, it is probably best to ignore it. Your child does not know what they are saying and chances are will not repeat it again. If it becomes an ongoing problem - ask them what the word means then briefly explain why it is not acceptable.

Tell your child firmly that you do not accept bad language

Be careful of not using bad language yourself. If used to express frustration, give them an alternative word.  Have fun choosing descriptive words to use e.g. rats, jeepers, pumpkin, chocolate bananas….

Apologize when you overreact

Model what they can do when they overreact or say things they do not mean. If you make a mistake, make it better - “I am sorry that I shouted and called you a bad boy. I was frustrated that you would not pick up the toys, but that is not excuse for calling you names”.

With preschoolers, often ‘NO’ is a common backchat

 If you are constantly hearing “NO” then think about how you are phrasing the instruction – For example -“Are you ready to go home now?” (When leaving a friends house), is almost asking for a “NO”. Try instead “We are leaving in 5 minutes”, followed by “We are leaving now”.

You simply cannot avoid disagreements with your children

However, you can have RULES for disagreements

• Don't attack
• Don't belittle
• Don't condemn
• Define what the problem is
• Define how to rectify it Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future
• Make up your own family rules

Broken-record approach

Be consistent and fair with what you will and will not tolerate. Repeat why you find their behavior unacceptable. Try to remain calm and repeat it numerous times if necessary. They will get the message eventually!

Reward good behavior

Ensure your child is rewarded and congratulated when they are having a good day (or hour…..). Congratulate good behavior; let them know you are noticing when they choose not to ask "WHY" or say "NO".

Be firm, consistent, calm, and loving in dealing with your child’s misbehavior. Reassure the child that it is the behavior that is unacceptable, not him or her. In the end, always give a hug and tell him or her how much you love him

Nelly (mother of two sons aged 3 and 4) says ‘Both my boys are very defiant and like to question EVERYTHING I ask them to do. Star charts worked well. As a family, we try to focus on the positive behavior and not the negative. I attended an anger management course for parents recently and that helped a lot. It gave me a few strategies to deal with my emotions. My boys push me to my limits on a daily basis!’

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