Accepting "No" - Part four

1. Look at the person.
2. Listen quietly.
3. Calmly move on.

• I have to admit that I have physically cringed when I realized that I was going to have to tell my daughter “No” about something, especially in public.  Whether she would roll her eyes, stomp her feet, or whine, I just didn’t want to deal with it.  Have you ever decided not to say, “No” because you didn’t want to deal with your child’s reaction?
• As parents and teachers of our children, we have to remember that our children need to be taught how to accept “No”.  Merely saying, “Because I said so” or “Just do it” doesn’t help lay out the way to cope with the stress of being denied.  I am not saying that our children shouldn’t do what we ask; on the contrary, I believe they should—but doing so doesn’t come naturally.
• You have to teach the steps of the skill.  Put them on a sheet of paper on the refrigerator.  Go over them repeatedly—driving to the store, waiting in a line, or at bedtime.  Initially, ask your child to repeat the steps back to you as you say them one at a time.  This will take less than a minute to do.  Later, quiz her on all three steps. After your child can say the steps to accepting “No”, it is especially important to role play what you want your child to do so that the teaching is not just verbal but also involves movement (like it will in real life situations).
• The first step is to establish eye contact between you and your child.  Don’t be afraid to say, “Sarah, I want you to look at me,” when you know that you have to say “No”.  At first, to reinforce the skill, say, “Look at me.  Do you remember the steps for accepting ‘No’”?  Early on ask and help her to repeat the steps back to you.  Of course, she will know what is coming.  However, you are preparing her to respond appropriately.
• Once she is looking at you and listening quietly (step 2), say something simple and clear such as, “The answer is ‘No’.”
• If she starts to overreact, remind her to move on calmly (step 3).
• The steps of the skill do not allow a step for you to give your child a reason.  In the moment, the skill focuses on how to handle a stressful situation, so it needs to remain short and clear.
• Later, if you feel that it is important, you can offer a good reason for why you said, “No.”  (It doesn’t have to be every time.) However, your reason does need to make sense to a small child and should not be drawn out.
• Accepting “No” is a crucial life skill.  Our children’s teachers and, later, bosses will tell them “No.”  The goal in teaching this skill is to help our children learn early how to cope with and appropriately respond to being denied.

Next: Part five - Asking Permission

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