Dr. Ross Campbell, author of the Five love languages of children, shares his advice about fears and anxieties.

Most adults find it difficult to comprehend just how powerful and real the fears of small children are. If only our long-ago memories were a little fresher, if only we could feel again just how it was to be in a large, unfamiliar world with so little information to help the moment make sense.

We grown-ups cope with our own fears and anxieties, of course, but we are armed with greater resources for managing them. In particular, we have advanced reasoning facilities and considerable experience with the world. However, your two, three or four year old child is not so well equipped. That’s why we parents need to anticipate the sources of those difficult emotions.

What does a preschool-age child fear? The list could be nearly endless, but we can ‘round up a few of the usual suspects’:

• Darkness. Fear of the dark is amongst the most ancient and common of all fears; something of an iconic childhood event. Slightly open closets and oddly shaped lamps can seem menacing to a little one.
• Separation. Around the age of two, a great many children become very anxious about any type of separation from the parent—typically from Mommy. Try dropping off a child of this age at Sunday School, or at the childcare center, and the usual tantrum may brew.
• Strangers and general unfamiliarity. Small children, normally active and talkative, will grow shy around unfamiliar people. It’s common to see them hiding behind the parent’s legs or chair. We expect the mall Santa Claus to offer a delightful encounter, but it may be a fearsome one.
• Imaginary threats. Everyone knows how vivid and expressive the imagination of a child can be. Without an adult’s ability to reason and understand, the child’s line between the rational and the imaginary can be a very fine one.
• Loud noises or commotion. Unexpected clamor or confusion will prove unsettling for a two, three or four-year-old child. That’s why we try to keep our children in quiet, safe environments as frequently as we can.
• Animals. You and I recognize that the romping beagle is simply being playful, but things look different from a height of thirty-five inches.
• Parental fears and anxieties. Children are highly sensitive and emotionally acute. When adults become anxious or fearful, children immediately take on those same feelings. The adult is the source of safety and meaning; if they become uncertain, then the child’s world has suddenly been robbed of its foundation.
• Objects under the bed. Many children imagine frightening objects under the bed during the night. Simple ways to help your child with this problem are to look under the bed and assure the child; have the child look under the bed himself, or simply assure the child that all is well.

Shyness

We observe a category of children in this age group who are particularly shy and dependent upon the parent. Mom and Dad naturally worry about the child’s reticence; they wonder if this is a case of special needs. It may be, but it’s also true that many children—like many adults—simply need a bit more time to become acclimated to anything or anyone new. Shyness isn’t necessarily the same as fear. More often than not, parents will find that patient love will help the child learn to venture cautiously out from the ‘safest adult’ to the next safest, until separation anxiety isn’t even an issue.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a bit like fear, but a special category thereof. Anxiety is fear without a face, the uncomfortable semi-awareness that life lacks equilibrium for whatever reason. Fear of darkness or the babysitter is specific and can be handled accordingly, but a child’s anxiety may come from a source more difficult to determine—or indeed from several sources. The child may become silent, temperamental, particularly needy of affection, or the child may manifest some other behavior. The watchful parent will note the change in behavior and avoid the trap of also becoming anxious. That response, of course, will only lead to more anxiety for the child. A cycle of anxiety can escalate.

As we’ll see in the next section, the best response is to offer unconditional love and enhance the child’s feeling of safety and security.

Responding to the child’s fear and anxiety

• The primary need of any child is to feel unconditionally loved and accepted. So many of the child’s fears—separation, unfamiliar circumstances, and the parent’s fears, for example—can ultimately be seen as threats to the child’s basic, foundational sense of having a home and being loved there. Some children say they’re afraid of the dark, for instance, when the real issue is aloneness. At bedtime, the child is asked to go away from Mommy and Daddy and actually fall asleep that way.
• This is why it’s not enough simply to love our children. We must be certain that we affirm that love in every way we can, as often as we can. When children are afraid of the dark or fearful of bedtime, we affirm that we’re right nearby, perhaps on the other side of a wall or door. We’re slightly apart, but our love is intact. We also spend special time with them before bed, reading a story, embracing warmly, and ‘loading up’ that special affection between parent and child.
• It’s important to speak patiently and compassionately with our children when they express a fear. “A monster? That’s silly!” is a distancing statement rather than a reassuring one. Sometimes all the child needs is for the adult to listen, and for the opportunity to verbalize the fear. That in itself might cast out the fear.
• We also need to be very conscious of what children see and hear, and how they perceive that information. Mommy and Daddy may speak in terms only half-serious about ‘being poor’ or unable to pay the bills; nevertheless, the child hears this as a true threat. Where will he sleep? Will the toys be taken away? Some Dads joke, “We’ll just throw you away!” or “We’re going to give you to another family” with that traditionally masculine, aggressive jocularity. The child may not detect the nuances of grown-up humor. Parents can never forget that little ears perceive and hear a different world.
• Above all, the issue of security is central in helping the child grow beyond normal fear. At all times, we want our preschool children to know they have a permanent home and loving parent(s). Darkness will only last a few hours, then the morning; the babysitter is only here a few hours, and Mommy or Daddy will return. The parent must establish themself as strong, affectionate, and available to help with whatever seems threatening or uncertain at the moment. The Bible tells us that perfect love casts out fear, and that statement is never truer than in the case of parent and child.

Written by Dr. Ross Campbell - co-author of The Triumphant Child: A practical guide for raising two, three and four year olds and The Five Love Languages of Children