Part six - Accepting consequences

1. Look at the person.
2. Say “Okay” and remain calm.
3. Carry out the consequences.

• My husband has worked at colleges for 18 years and can quickly tell which college freshmen have learned the art of accepting a consequence.  Taking responsibility for something we have done wrong does not come naturally and yet our children will need to do so effectively their whole lives.  Anyone gotten a speeding ticket lately?
• The past three skills worked on the premise that you will teach your child skills.  So when he failed to put the skill into practice, you taught the skill again as the intervention.  At some point, you will come recognize when your child disobeys because of lack of practice or willfulness.  If you decide that your child has willfully disobeyed you, you need to begin teaching him how to accept an appropriate consequence.  
• Just to get it out of the way, appropriate consequences do not include:  spanking, slapping, pinching, shaking, pulling hair or arms, pushing, and jerking.  Verbal abuse, such as being sarcastic or threatening, is also not allowed.  Last, putting anything in the child’s mouth, such as soap, pepper, Tabasco, a washcloth, is not allowed.  (I am glad that’s over with.)
• So when a child willfully disobeys what he has been taught, you need to teach him how to accept a consequence.  Following the steps above, you might say the following.  “Charlie, you need to accept a consequence for going outside without permission.  I want you to look at me while I tell you what you need to do.  After I tell you your consequence, you need to stay calm, look me in the eyes, and say ‘Okay.’  Then I want you to go do it right away.”
• It is important for the bond of love and respect that you and your child carry out this interaction calmly and respectfully.
• As you well know, the higher goal of parenting is to find your child behaving well and reinforce that…we also know that sometimes a logical consequence is needed.
• The logical part of logical consequence is crucial.  If your child spills crackers on the living room floor when he been taught to keep food in the kitchen, he needs to clean up the crackers and not have his bowl refilled.  A timeout is an acceptable consequence, but not a logical one.  Logical consequences are not always apparent and that is when tools such as time out come in.  The child’s age determines the length of the time out (1 minute for a one year old, 2 minutes for a two-year old, etc.).
• As the child gets older, you can give him an opportunity to ask you for permission to discuss the consequence later if he disagrees.  However, at first, your child needs to master calmly accepting the consequence and doing it right away.  Hang in there!