3 Foundations for helping kids develop assertive anger expression skills.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were so overwhelmed with feelings of anger that you were at a loss for words?  You had the presence of mind to know all of the things that you shouldn’t say, but weren’t quite sure how to express your true feelings without damaging your relationship.  Adults often struggle with effectively communicating their angry feelings.  For children, this challenge is doubly difficult; kids don’t want to get in trouble for expressing themselves aggressively, but they often lack the skills for communicating assertively.  

Parents can help their kids develop specific skills for assertive anger expression, beginning with these three primers:

1.    Acknowledge that Anger is OK

From the time they are toddlers, children are often coaxed to deny or quickly dispense of their feelings of anger.  Well-intentioned messages like, “Don’t be angry” give kids the message that this most basic of human emotions is something to feel badly about or guilty over.  When kids do act out—either through the tantrums of their earliest years or the rebellion of their teenage ones—they are chastened for all of the behaviors that adults do not want them to use.  

Rather than hammering away at all of the things kids should not do when it comes to expressing their anger, it is most helpful for parents to show empathy for their child’s emotions experiences and to acknowledge that anger is okay.  When kids learn that any way they are feeling is acceptable—and that it is what they do with their feelings (e.g. how they act them out) that counts, they gain skills for effective emotional management and self-control.

2.    Talk it Out

True emotional intelligence and self-control has everything to do with learning how to put feelings into words.  You can help your child cope with often-overwhelming feelings by consistently encouraging him to talk about them.  It may be helpful to work with your child to develop a list of the most common triggers for his anger.  Participate alongside of him, creating your own Anger Triggers list.  As the two of you share your lists and compare notes, you can gain an understanding that can lead to more careful and respectful interactions around “trigger” issues.  For example, if one of your child's triggers is when a younger sibling touches or interferes with the child's play or toys, together you may be able to brainstorm a list of strategies to help prevent the situation - e.g. closing the bedroom door, putting important things away. You can also talk about what the child CAN do when angry - use assertive words, get help from a parent.

Even if your child is not comfortable sharing his feelings in words, encourage him to draw or 'play out' thoughts and feelings about everyday situations that create powerful feelings.  This is a great way for your child to explore and express a range of emotions on a regular basis, which contributes to better self-understanding and emotional maturity.

3.    Be Willing to Receive Anger

A final key in helping your child learn to accept and manage anger well is to be willing to receive your child’s anger.  For parents, it can be quite difficult to be on the receiving end of anger—especially when you are not its rightful target.  Nonetheless, when adults demonstrate for kids that they are willing to listen to their respectfully-expressed anger, they send the powerful message that the child’s feelings are valid and that assertive anger will be rewarded with the gift of a listening ear and non-punitive response.

Next: Emotional intelligence and preschoolers

By Signe Whitson, LSW. Signe is the mother of two young daughters, and the author of, Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Cope with Bullying and How to Be Angry: An Assertive Anger Expression Group Guide for Kids and Teens. Please visit www.signewhitson.com for information on her workshops and trainings for parents, professionals, and kids.